Holy crap! How are we 6 months into 2019 already?!
So, if this is the first time coming across my blog, on the 1st January 2019 I decided I needed to change my life or I was going to break. Check out my blog post here for the story behind why I decided I needed to make these changes. HERE!
It’s 6 months into my year of changes, I think it is time for an update. Are these changes working? Do I feel any better? Holy moly yes!
This time last year, was one of the darkest times of my life. I was stuck in a rut and I couldn’t see a way out. My depression and anxiety were taking a downward spiral, my body dysmorphia was once again becoming a problem and my friends and family were once again becoming worried about my lack of eating, my thoughts were low and I became passively suicidal. This got a little better in October of last year after I got myself a new job and got out of a toxic working environment where my creative nature was being stifled. But towards December, the high of getting a new job was wearing off and I was becoming overwhelmed. I was driving 4 hours a day, my job was stressful and I just seemed to be in constant darkness (it was winter I was leaving before the sun came up and getting home after the sun had gone down, but spending all day in an office with closed blinds). Then, in December, something snapped. I received news that a girl I had known in University had killed herself. I couldn’t cope any more.
I went to a GP and expressed my dark feelings, my suicidal thoughts, my stress, depression and anxiety. The Doctor (rightly or wrongly, still up for debate), decided I was at risk of self-harm. She put me on a strong dose of anti-anxiety medication and told me to go back in a week or so. To put in perspective, I have been on anti-anxieties in the past. After my first breakdown, I was put on 10mg to take the edge off my nerves and get me through University. This doctor put me on 500mg. After taking just one tablet, I was so ill my mum considered taking me to the emergency room.
Now for an honest update, 7 months from the night I took the medication and 6 months since I decided to change my life. I’m doing ok. My confidence with my work and other aspects of my life has flourished. I have never felt so confident and competent in my own abilities. I feel more in tune with my emotions and my mental state, I can judge how I am feeling and adjust my behaviours to avoid falling back into the downward spiral.
I have lost a lot of friends this year, but strangely I feel better for it. But it has brought me closer to my best friend, whom I cherish and adore. I honestly couldn’t have survived the last few years without him.
My body is slowly healing! Early last year I had an antibiotic-resistant kidney infection which almost put me in the hospital. Even after the infection was gone, for the last year my kidneys have been fragile and it seemed the slightest thing would set them off (I think there was an element of acute PTSD with it too, which made it worse because how do you cure a pain that is in your head?) But after 6 months of cutting out alcohol, drinking herbal tea and taking probiotics – touch wood – my kidneys have finally started feeling normal again.
Mentally, I am better. I have bad days and good days but I am monitoring it and making sure I don’t let myself get as dark as I once was. I will be honest, my body dysmorphia isn’t cured. Even as I sit here writing this, it’s 10 pm and all I have eaten today is a piece of toast this morning and ton of black coffee. I’m not there yet, but I currently have more good eating days than bad, so I am taking that as a win and not being too hard on myself when I have a bad day.
As for medication. No, I did not go back to that GP and I did not go back onto the medication she prescribed. Instead, I supplemental drugs for CBD. Guys! My life has been changed. I am a true advocate for CBD. Not only has vaping and putting CBD oil in my morning coffee levelled out my anxiety; it has helped my chronic cluster headaches. I originally brought my vape to smoke when I was feeling anxious, but I have found that just vaping it semi-regularly allows me to have more good days!
All in all, I am a lot happier with myself. Which might be why I have started dating again. It’s very early days, but the fact I am willing to give dating a real go again is a surprise but it feels good. I may do a blog post at some point about my experiences with online dating, because boy, do I have some stories!
How is your 2019 going? Let me know in the comments!